The Pressure of Shaming SHOULDs

LISTEN TO EPISODE 10 HERE.

 In this episode, Claudia and Hannah talk about a subtle tendency in all of us that has a penetrating & far-reaching impact when we stop to consider the prevalence of this particular issue. What is this issue?

The influence of SHOULDS, or those imposed standards of what we tell ourselves we OUGHT to be doing in and with our lives.

What do we mean when we talk about shoulds? Let's start by looking at what they are and how they are born:

1. A should is an expectation that we impose on ourselves or others that is tied to a “preferred” outcome.  
2. These driving, internal directives generally stem from cultural standards, external pressures, or internalized beliefs.
3. Our shoulds are often strongly linked to some measure of comparison.
4. Consequently, we are then governed by a discrepancy between where we are in reality vs. where we could be if we engaged life in a more preferred manner. And that is a miserable place to live!

Not all shoulds are unhelpful, but, very often, shoulds are known to be unhelpful because they communicate a greater sense of obligation or insufficient effort. Shoulds that consume our minds can result in some very negative responses:

• We get discouraged and depressed.
• We become apathetic because it hurts too much to keep caring.
• We feel suffocated.
• We live in a constant state of comparison.
• We will constantly strive to do more.
• We become striving perfectionists trying to preempt failure.
• We adopt some numbing tendencies to ease the discomfort.

This particular issue may even be a bit more complex for Christians because of all the moral imperatives that we apply to our faith: I should pray more, I should love God more, I should do more at church, I should know the Bible better, I should have more faith, etc.

When we fail to do those things that we think will help us live better, fuller, godlier lives, shame will often creep in. 

Shame communicates this message:  You are not enough (You did not do enough, you did not succeed enough, you do not have enough, you don’t look good enough, you are not valued enough, you as a person are simply not enough).

Scripture is clear that we will reap what we sow.  However, we’re also told in Proverbs 23 “that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he…”. So, it is very important that we not only understand and identify what is preoccupying our thoughts, but that we’re also very intentional in shaping and framing those thoughts according to Scripture.

Action steps for dealing with shoulds:

1. Pray and invite God into this process. Galatians tells us that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. If we are to find freedom and growth as believers, it will always come when we partner with the work that God is doing in us through the redemptive work of Christ and sanctifying work of the Spirit.
2. Acknowledge to yourself that if any of this is resonating. You’ve not singularly failed or fallen into a rut unique only to you. You are on the same path that we’ve all walked or are currently walking.
3. Start to take time to identify the should patterns and shaming thoughts that our flesh will use as a desperate attempt to help us reach greener places, spaces or positions.
4. Begin to replace those shaming thoughts with truth.

Here is a critical truth that so many through the years have highlighted: We become what we think about. Negative thinking will yield negative responses just as positive thinking will yield positive responses. Your mind is like soil. Just as a person sowing seed is going to reap a like harvest, so our minds will reap what we plant.