Dismantling the Shame Cycle

LISTEN TO EPISODE 11 HERE.

In Brené Brown's 2012 Ted Talk, she described shame as the “warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never quite good enough.”  

This quote captures the essence of shame, and this feeling of being submerged in a reservoir of judgment that not only engulfs you but somehow penetrates deep within, leaving you feeling as though you're drowning beneath the suffocating weight of something really heavy.

However, shame isn't content with merely affecting our emotions; it's like an anchor, firmly tethering our minds to past mistakes and perceived shortcomings. Picture it as a dark veil of self-doubt, stubbornly clinging to us, making it incredibly challenging to break free. It traps us in a never-ending cycle of negative, self-defeating thoughts.

Simply put, shame can be defined as a complex human emotion marked by an overwhelming sense of disgrace, humiliation, or remorse stemming from our perceived inadequacies. These inadequacies often conflict with our standards, values, and expectations.

Because of how deep it penetrates, shame has the capacity to threaten & even dismantle our sense of identity & overall well-being.

The human experience of shame goes back to the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve's disobedience led them to a realization of their nakedness... and therein the birth of shame. They found themselves feeling exposed and uncovered, and suddenly very vulnerable.

Shame vs. Guilt

It is important to note that shame is not the same a guilt. While they are close cousins, guilt is often linked to remorse & regret over specific actions. Shame, on the other hand, is connected to a sense of embarrassment or a negative evaluation of self.

This is an important distinction because we all make mistakes. We all fall short at times. But when those instances are internalized and we use them as the filter to determine our worth, value, or potential, it can be devastating. 

Shame and the Brain

Two key areas of the brain are activated by shame: the prefrontal cortex and the posterior insula 

When our brain evaluates a set of circumstances and comes to the determination that we have failed, fallen short, or demonstrated that we are somehow inadequate, it is important to understand that this is not necessarily a mean decision made by our brains. Our brains are just processing data using a the complex system of algorithms at their disposal. 

In this case, the prefrontal cortex uses this information to assess and regulate who we are in the context of what is happening right now. Then, when an evaluation is made, this part of our brain speaks to our personality development, decision-making, emotion regulation, our working memory, problem-solving and social behavior on how to respond to the information it has at its disposal.

Once our brain makes this negative evaluation:

•  If the threat seems strong or severe enough, our sympathetic nervous system may be activated which literally sets off our fight, flight, or freeze defense responses.
• This negative evaluation could also triggers physiological responses in the body (which is why we often get sweaty palms, or the feeling that there’s a pit in the bottom of our stomach, dizziness…etc.

3 Ways to Dismantle Shame

1. Recognize and acknowledge that you are experiencing shame. Sometimes, just identifying the emotion can help reduce its intensity.  

2. Show yourself kindness and compassion. Make it your mission to go out of your way to extend kindness to yourself.   

3. Share your feelings. Shame thrives in secrecy & silence.  So, run (rather than walk) to a trusted friend, colleague, therapist and pull open the veil.